First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
