my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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