Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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