Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
