Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
