Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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