Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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