I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
