dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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