Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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