based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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