I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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