I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
