I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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