Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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