I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
True strength comes from lack of pants
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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