Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
