Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
