To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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