I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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