Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
