70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
