I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
