You just made me feel so damn special
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
a search helicopter?!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
