Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
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Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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