new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
