im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
