if only i could text you this smell
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
