we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
