I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
