You just made me feel so damn special
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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