I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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