the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
