First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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