maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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