Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My ATM looks so different sober.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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