My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
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I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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