My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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