At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
