i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
