Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
