Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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