She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
