im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
