You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
