Man, jail baloney is awful.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
