He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
