If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
