I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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