My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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