I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
