if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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