OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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